Assertive, Not Aggressive

This is really a note to myself because I frequently conflate the two terms.

It’s possible to be assertive without being aggressive. But that might be unobvious if you’re privvy to the primary definition some dictionaries are doling out, e.g.:

assertive (adj.): Confidently aggressive or self-assured; positive: aggressive; dogmatic:

Dictionary.com

I much prefer how Psychology Today describes it:

Assertiveness is a social skill that relies heavily on effective communication while simultaneously respecting the thoughts and wishes of others. People who are assertive clearly and respectfully communicate their wants, needs, positions, and boundaries to others. There’s no question of where they stand, no matter what the topic.

Individuals who are high in assertiveness don’t shy away from defending their points of view or goals, or from trying to influence others to see their side. They are open to both compliments and constructive criticism. People can improve their assertiveness through practical exercises and experience.

Seen through this lens, assertiveness is more akin to fairness than aggression. It requires a sense of self while maintaining the empathy to consider another’s sense of self — as well as remaining open to the possibility that the other’s sense of self is correct and worth prioritizing.

There’s a level of humanity there that simply isn’t catered by aggression. You can stand up for yourself without relenting your values or stepping over someone else to get your way.